ER 101

It's 2 O'clock in the morning and the girl wakes up panting and screaming. Nope, it wasn't a really good dream or even a nightmare. It was the feeling of getting stabbed in the tit. So, I get my miserable ass up and stroll on down to El room de emergency. (You like my Spanish skills?)
Mind you, I've already been told that I only have a couple of hours to fix my shit because heaven forbid I make the monkey be late for work. Don't even get me started. 
Anyways, I drive myself to the emergency room and let them know that I think my breast is about to explode. It's on fire. THIS IS NOT SEXY! So they give me my wrist band and I sit and wait. I should have poured ketchup on my chest and said I was shot. 
So this nice guy with a smile comes and takes me to get my vitals checked. And he asks, "so how are you?" I replied..."tell me this, has anyone ever come in here at almost 3am and said 'peachy, thanks for asking." I mean really, I'm not here cuz I'm bored. He asks the typical questions and I give the details. I'm pretty blunt, even in RL, especially when my tit feels like its going to fly right the fuck off. "Yeah, so it hurts. It hurts a lot. Which is dumb because I just pushed a baby out of my vagina two months ago, you'd think I could handle a sore tit right?" He laughs. 
He keeps asking questions and then says, "You're very pretty," while looking at his monitor. I say, "um, okay." He smiles and keeps asking questions. DUDE! FOR REALZ? Is this how you pick up chicks? He must be going through the checklist in his head, ~slim, cute, sassy, no venereal diseases~ OKAY, SHE'S A WINNER!
His final question is, "do you feel safe at home?" Because I can't do anything simply and at 3am I am kind of a sarcastic bastard, I reply, "if I say no, you gonna call the police to save me and my tit?" He laughs. I said yeah, I'm good. If I didn't feel safe, I'd fight the fuck back. I'm small but I will fuck you up, ya heard? He takes me to a room like, five miles away. Can't a bitch get a chair? And the whole way to the room, I'm wondering one thing; do they ask guys if they feel safe at home or is it a weak vagina thing? "Sir, does your wife beat you? Does she throw pots and pans at you? Have you ever noticed a weird taste to your spam and eggs?" I'm gonna have to investigate that one a little bit more. 
The room has a huge flat screen so I'm somewhat relieved because this means I can at least watch Numb3rs on reruns. Which, I get to watch a whole god damn episode since they make me wait forever. Okay, on what planet does a girl get told, "take off your top," and then is made to wait 45 minutes? Fuck that, I'm getting implants. 
So, I'm pacing, the fucking janitor keeps passing my room to mop like I took a piss on the floor or something. Maybe I should have left my shirt on until the doctor got in the room. I think I got played. 
When you watch all these medical shows, it's funny to see the stuff the doctors do between patients. It's not fun in all reality when you are a fucking patient. There's no one else here for christ's sake, where the hell is everyone? So, I start talking to myself. A. because I'm pissed and when I'm pissed, I have to talk myself out of throwing things and B. I'm thinking if they assume I'm crazy maybe they will move quickly. 
The doctor comes in, blondie was aight but nothing to write home about. Cute guys obviously don't wanna go to school for long. So, he's asking me what's up and I tell him. He pokes my tit a few times, what an exam. I say, "um, so you know that hurts right?" He pats me on the back and says, "I'm just checking you dear." Listen dipstick, I didn't cry malpractice here. It hurts. Two words. Now shut up and go disappear for 45 more minutes so I can get my drugs and get out of here. 
Now, the lady who collects the payment, that chick should be a doctor. She was in my room in like 10 minutes flat. Sign here, date here, credit card info here, insurance provider here, oh and your fucking soul please and thank you. Money makes people move quickly, like they thought I came to get felt up by Doctor Mushyface and then I was gonna army crawl my way out so I didn't have to pay that lovely 75 dollar co-pay. Mmmm, mushyface, you dirty boy. Yeah, thats a big hell to the no. Thanks for playing. KBYE!
The chick, some nurse I think...hell if I know but she had tits, brings me the paperwork for my meds. I take it and head out. Hit the 24 hour pharmacy where I meet someone who resembles Shannon Doherty on Charmed when she was dressed up as a dude for some spell. Seriously, it was Brenda with a beard. (90210 dumbass)
I get home, take my drugs and here I am, ready for the day. 
FTN! to hospitals, doctors, weird questions, under the breathe comments, and weird shit like getting strep in the tit. Now that I have bared my soul to you, I hope you take this as a warning. Breastfeeding is bad mkay!


(I will not FTN! a lovely pain killer that is already working, GOOOOOO NARCOTICS!)