EPIDEMIC ALERT!!!! COVER YOUR WINDOWS!

Killer Bees from Africa got you down? Swine Flu making you nervous? Anthrax ruining your plans? Bird Flu still causing panic? Well, I hate to be the barer of bad news but there are much bigger epidemics to fight out there. Beware of "El ASSCLOWN 2010." This growing sickness comes in the form of nice looking people who turn out to be complete fucking weirdos. But there is a vaccine. It is readily available at your local rodeo, corner bodega and neighboring homegirls cousins house. It's called the "I'd Rather Be Single Than Fuck With A Putz Like You" vaccine.  Be sure to get the full dosage for adequate protection. "EL ASSCLOWN 2010" has also been referred to as "You're A Fucking Douchebag Syndrome 1989," "Bitches With Nasty Cooters of '97," and "You Gave Me What?!?!? of '76." For too long, divine specimens have been subjected to the many forms of The Moronic Plague dating as far back as 1952. But today is a new day. And of course, I'm here to help. 

Now, I could give you a list of all the things you should do in order to avoid the crisis at hand. But instead, I'm going to give you a vital example of what the fuck not to do. If you, or someone you encounter displays any of the following symptoms, RUN, RUN LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING WIND! Spare those around you if you suffer from this growing epidemic. Be prepared to fight off all ailments if you meet someone with any and/or all of the following symptoms. 

1. Pronouns as names. 

If I'm going to laugh as I scream it out...it does not fly. I will not be infected with your lameness. Run along. 

2. The Self-Denial: This is when an infected party attempts to morph who they are depending on your  sentence structure.   

"Do you like muffins?" "No, I do not like muffins." "Well, I do." "What I meant was, I like some muffins but not all muffins."  

3. Lack of Manners: This one is almost always overlooked but very important in diagnosis. It will be assumed that you want to do what the infected want, without notice. Don't let them trick you. 

"Sure, I would love to dance...when you get the balls to ask me."

4.  The Mislead: This is also called lying by omission. Highly discouraged since you will get caught. If you make the choice to do something, feel free to take credit for that action and not place blame to another. And if you do, feel free to own up to it BEFORE you are put on the spot. A liar is a liar is a...

"Well, I did it right now because MC Hammer over there told me to." "And when did MC Hammer tell you to do this?" "Um...a while ago..."

5. Scapegoat Central: Although this symptom closely resembles The Mislead, it is in fact very different. When displaying this symptom, you will notice that only the good things that happened are owned. The rest will and must be blamed on someone else, no matter how far fetched it may be. 

"Well, why aren't you two talking?" "Because you are talking to her." Really? I am? News to me!

6. The Puppet Master Complex: This one is pretty darn scary if you ask me. The infected will assume that anything said or done is being controlled by someone else. 

Bottom line, those who are paranoid about this are usually the ones who have control issues. 

7. The Detailed Lie: If you feel the need to lie, make it a good one. It's when you get all creative with it that it becomes apparent. And an apparent lie is about as good as a new set of teeth to a fluffer. Just pointless!

"My cousin was all like yeah and then I heard a thump and my sister fell off the roof because the cat was like Meow and stuff and then I went to help but she was all mad and shit and I was like WOAH and then she went inside and I followed her through the bathroom, into the kitchen, across the hall, down the stairs and into the bedroom and then I called Pizza Hut because she likes chicken and they came but then I lost my money so I had to run to the ATM but the machine was like BLAH and then I fell over a homeless guy so I came home to bandage it up and thats why I was afk for so long."

8. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer: This is a horrid symptom. This is when someone tells you something in order to get out of a situation. But they don't just tell you anything, they tell you the most extreme thing possible in order to cop out. It's a much stronger string of The Detailed Lie symptom.

"The reason I can't tell you what I feel is because there is a man with a gun to my head asking for my ATM pin number. I'll be right back.............Okay, I told him to go away. Sorry, I didn't mean to leave you hanging. 

The sickness is spreading, taking over minds one by one by one. I say we quarantine all of the fucking weirdos and staple dirty Kotex to their upper lips until the pass out. Just a thought. 


On a serious note...because I have those sometimes...If you have a person in front of you who is kickass, mind blowing, just an all around badass mofo...enjoy the fucking moments. Stop over complicating shit with random weirdness and odd unwarranted behavior. Trust that there is an attraction or chemistry or a spark of some sort, otherwise said badass would not be all up in yo grizzle! AND STOP BEING A FUCKING PUTZ!


To people who are so scared of being themselves, who they want to be, who they feel they are inside, (whatever the fuck floats your boat) and killing a good thing before it even happens....To those who spread El ASSCLOWN 2010 with no remorse...I FTN! your fucking face. That is all.