I FUCKING HATE YOUR FACE!!! SERIOUSLY! I HATE IT!

HEY YOU STUPID FUCK! How about you call your kids back into your toy infested back yard, which is a complete fucking eye sore for the rest of the neighborhood, and keep those little runts in line. Since when the fuck is it my responsibility to make sure your fucking kid doesn't climb my god damn fence while you set up your application for Jerry fucking Springer?

A bitch is trying to get some sleep! A fucking nap! Is that okay with you? AND LEAVE MY FUCKING DOGS ALONE! Tell your kid the next time he swings that fucking plastic sword at my dogs, I am going to grab it from him, bend him over my fucking knee and swat his ass so hard his fucking grandkids are gonna feel it. None of this timeout shit. Im gonna show you some good old Newyorican discipline! AND THEN, I'm going to knock on your fucking door and smack you in the face with said plastic sword until your nose bleeds. I hope you have your tubes tied you stupid fuck! I hope your man/men/babies daddies are all snipped up so there are no more moronic little demons dripping from your useless overworked underpaid gap between your gigantic fucking thighs!

Next time I am at PETSMART, I am going to purchase a fucking shock collar. For that little walking turd you call your seed. And if he ever opens his fucking mouth to me again about my "bad dogs," Im going to tape the little button on the remote to said shock collar so it will never go off. So it just keeps zapping his little fucking bobblehead!

I hate you! I hate your kids! I hate your face! I hate your fucking aura! I hate every god damn thing about you! FTN! TO WORTHLESS FUCKING NEIGHBORS AND THE INABILITY THEY POSSESS TO STOP CREATING LITTLE SHITS THAT PISS ME THE FUCK OFF WHEN ALL I WANT IS A GOD DAMN NAP! CAN A BITCH GET A NAP? YOU STUPID FUCKS!

EPIDEMIC ALERT!!!! COVER YOUR WINDOWS!

Killer Bees from Africa got you down? Swine Flu making you nervous? Anthrax ruining your plans? Bird Flu still causing panic? Well, I hate to be the barer of bad news but there are much bigger epidemics to fight out there. Beware of "El ASSCLOWN 2010." This growing sickness comes in the form of nice looking people who turn out to be complete fucking weirdos. But there is a vaccine. It is readily available at your local rodeo, corner bodega and neighboring homegirls cousins house. It's called the "I'd Rather Be Single Than Fuck With A Putz Like You" vaccine.  Be sure to get the full dosage for adequate protection. "EL ASSCLOWN 2010" has also been referred to as "You're A Fucking Douchebag Syndrome 1989," "Bitches With Nasty Cooters of '97," and "You Gave Me What?!?!? of '76." For too long, divine specimens have been subjected to the many forms of The Moronic Plague dating as far back as 1952. But today is a new day. And of course, I'm here to help. 

Now, I could give you a list of all the things you should do in order to avoid the crisis at hand. But instead, I'm going to give you a vital example of what the fuck not to do. If you, or someone you encounter displays any of the following symptoms, RUN, RUN LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING WIND! Spare those around you if you suffer from this growing epidemic. Be prepared to fight off all ailments if you meet someone with any and/or all of the following symptoms. 

1. Pronouns as names. 

If I'm going to laugh as I scream it out...it does not fly. I will not be infected with your lameness. Run along. 

2. The Self-Denial: This is when an infected party attempts to morph who they are depending on your  sentence structure.   

"Do you like muffins?" "No, I do not like muffins." "Well, I do." "What I meant was, I like some muffins but not all muffins."  

3. Lack of Manners: This one is almost always overlooked but very important in diagnosis. It will be assumed that you want to do what the infected want, without notice. Don't let them trick you. 

"Sure, I would love to dance...when you get the balls to ask me."

4.  The Mislead: This is also called lying by omission. Highly discouraged since you will get caught. If you make the choice to do something, feel free to take credit for that action and not place blame to another. And if you do, feel free to own up to it BEFORE you are put on the spot. A liar is a liar is a...

"Well, I did it right now because MC Hammer over there told me to." "And when did MC Hammer tell you to do this?" "Um...a while ago..."

5. Scapegoat Central: Although this symptom closely resembles The Mislead, it is in fact very different. When displaying this symptom, you will notice that only the good things that happened are owned. The rest will and must be blamed on someone else, no matter how far fetched it may be. 

"Well, why aren't you two talking?" "Because you are talking to her." Really? I am? News to me!

6. The Puppet Master Complex: This one is pretty darn scary if you ask me. The infected will assume that anything said or done is being controlled by someone else. 

Bottom line, those who are paranoid about this are usually the ones who have control issues. 

7. The Detailed Lie: If you feel the need to lie, make it a good one. It's when you get all creative with it that it becomes apparent. And an apparent lie is about as good as a new set of teeth to a fluffer. Just pointless!

"My cousin was all like yeah and then I heard a thump and my sister fell off the roof because the cat was like Meow and stuff and then I went to help but she was all mad and shit and I was like WOAH and then she went inside and I followed her through the bathroom, into the kitchen, across the hall, down the stairs and into the bedroom and then I called Pizza Hut because she likes chicken and they came but then I lost my money so I had to run to the ATM but the machine was like BLAH and then I fell over a homeless guy so I came home to bandage it up and thats why I was afk for so long."

8. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer: This is a horrid symptom. This is when someone tells you something in order to get out of a situation. But they don't just tell you anything, they tell you the most extreme thing possible in order to cop out. It's a much stronger string of The Detailed Lie symptom.

"The reason I can't tell you what I feel is because there is a man with a gun to my head asking for my ATM pin number. I'll be right back.............Okay, I told him to go away. Sorry, I didn't mean to leave you hanging. 

The sickness is spreading, taking over minds one by one by one. I say we quarantine all of the fucking weirdos and staple dirty Kotex to their upper lips until the pass out. Just a thought. 


On a serious note...because I have those sometimes...If you have a person in front of you who is kickass, mind blowing, just an all around badass mofo...enjoy the fucking moments. Stop over complicating shit with random weirdness and odd unwarranted behavior. Trust that there is an attraction or chemistry or a spark of some sort, otherwise said badass would not be all up in yo grizzle! AND STOP BEING A FUCKING PUTZ!


To people who are so scared of being themselves, who they want to be, who they feel they are inside, (whatever the fuck floats your boat) and killing a good thing before it even happens....To those who spread El ASSCLOWN 2010 with no remorse...I FTN! your fucking face. That is all. 

    

Say No To "The Ultimate Random"

Here comes another epidemic. It's what I like to call "The Ultimate Random." This is when you say something completely out of left field, with no invitation or even remote inkling that you have any right to say it. Mind you, I'm all about random moments, sometimes more so if we are pretty good friends.

"So when we gonna hook up, hmmmm"

This is an example of "The Ultimate Random." One I had the pleasure of experiencing. Pleasure simply because I now can FTN! the act itself. Comments like these happen to everyone. But they tend to blindside you when its from a friend who has never ever shown any sign of having that type of thought, someone you actually haven't even spoken to in quite some time.

What other response could I have but laughter. Because it's funny. And thats what you do when someone says something funny. You laugh. Don't forget, I am also on day 2 of my bet to "be a good girl," which means there isn't going to be any hooking up. I.E this conversation is pointless either way. Since I'm playing this bet fair, I say so. Don't want to be rude but I can't exactly say what I want to say right now because it would break the rule even if it's not to encourage.

"Well, I bet we could break that bet easy"

Really? How interesting. I'm getting a whiff of something and it's called ego. Not my favorite scent by any means. So I clarify my rules. Lets not kill a friendship over an awkward moment and my inability to carry this conversation.

"Come on over so we can bang!!!"

It is amazing how quickly a "friendship" can become meaningless to me. It starts with you saying the above line. But, I bite my tongue and hold fast to patience. To remain clear headed and optimistic that this friendship isn't a total facade for the jackass moment that is being shared with me. That would break rule number 2, so that bang bang thought you had for a moment is a no go.

"See, but no one would know"

I would. And that's enough of a reason for me. But I get to thinking, is this just a sabotage plot? A scheme to get me to fail in my task. WHO SENT YOU? WHO SENT YOU? I feel like an action hero in a bad Van Damme movie. So this little buddy makes it clear that it isn't about sabotage because of course he isn't like that. I mean, what the hell would give me that sort of impression, right? So I call it out for being random. He says something about having good intentions. Nothing that starts with "come over so we can bang" is of good intentions. Just an FYI. Now, this is my favorite part. I say I'm not easy and get the wonderful response of:

"I know, if I thought you were, I would have tried a long time ago"

Because that says wonders for the skanks you have fucked. I will give the boy credit though. He is a persistent little bugger. "It would be fun though and you know it." Really now? You must have me confused with the easily amused.

Now I'm not a cruel bitch. So I give the warning that this will become an FTN! Apparently, I will never be forgiven if I do it. And yet here you are reading this post which tells you exactly how much I care. Be happy I didn't put a name. Only I have to think of this person as an asshole. Everyone else just gets to read and laugh at my experience. You see how that works?

"Hey, all I wanted was a little attention"

Okay, because that just sealed the deal. I said hello to you. Bask in the glow of that for just a moment. Asking for anything else is just asinine. So, I keep getting called "dear." I'm not Bambi. Save it. So I ask about the drinking factor, because there is no way someone could be this random at this hour of the night without some liquid stupidity running through their veins. And guess what...I was right. Just a few (lots) of booze. So I say,  "don't worry, I won't hold it against you tomorrow."

"Well, tomorrow are you saying I have a better chance?"

One word, four letters. NOPE! And then I get the evil glare. -.- Okay, lets be serious here people! The conversation is unwarranted and out of a field far past left. So Mr. Drunkity-drunk goes with it, inviting me to see "a gun called eight-ball that can shoot eight loads." Now it's my turn for the evil glare. I say goodnight and he gives me:

"Sweetdreams dear. I'll see you in your dreams."

With a smile. Is anyone else cracking the fuck up yet? Because I'm somewhere between hysterical with laughter and annoyed as fuck. Let me make this crystal clear. I can be feisty. Yes, I'm in a bet to see if I can be well behaved. But if you do recall, I've never flirted with you. I've never even blinked at you funny. I haven't given you the time of day ever and I never will. The reasons I wouldn't waste my fucking time or energy on engaging you in stimulating conversation, let alone touching your alcohol infused body are endless. And every time you open your mouth, you're just given me another.

With that being said, there is a word of caution in this tale. Just because you know someone doesn't mean you get the go ahead to randomly say you wanna hit it just because you are bored. Lonely? Get a fucking dog. But you will remember to give some fucking respect to those you wish to call "friends." Just because some other chicks might have been smitten with that little act doesn't mean we're all morons.

Crossing over into creepdom without the welcoming committee...FTN!

Ode To The Noob

We've all been there, some more recent than others. Everything is rezzing and you've started your first day in this whole new world. You have clue where you are or what you are suppose to do next. If you're lucky, you may just have someone give you a helping hand. If you aren't, you may get some cruel responses to simple questions or even a few "gift" animations that stick your head into the ground. Either way, we were all noobs.

Personally, I thought SL was like The SIMS. No one told me where to go to the bathroom or where I was suppose to get a job. My first assumption was that I needed to eat. After getting clothes and some skin, a shape and all that mumbo-jumbo needed to not get harassed, I trekked out on my own to find food. See, I thought the meter that was on the top right of the screen (the one that showed the measurement of lag) was my food meter. So I panicked when it plummeted. I went to an RP sim and sat at some diner and clicked everything that was food. I sat through the animations of eating but the damn meter still wouldn't go up. I was thinking..."great, day one and I'm gonna die!" Needless to say, I learned I didn't need to eat and have survived not eating ever since.

For others, it is a bit more simple. Wearing the box the clothes came in, wondering where the heck the jeans you just bought are. Trying to figure out how to look at someones profile. Trying to figure out how to message someone. Getting extremely lost in mouselook when trying to shoot guns for the first time...getting shot the fuck up and orbed off of a sim for the first time. Trying to mod hair/clothes for the first time and completely fucking it up. Trying to move a piece of furniture like one inch and flinging it across a sim by mistake, too ashamed to ask for help: GOODBYE COUCH!

The first time you had sex, being told to sit on a ball to do so...WTF? Thinking your free shit is off the chain until you see someone who actually spent money on their clothes...OUCH! Hitting "detach all" by mistake and looking like a bald alien in front of a crowd of people. Wondering why the hell this place is so dark until someone tells you to turn the time to Sunrise. OHHH, So thats what you look like. >.< Trying to fly pass the limit and yet continuing to try like an assclown because you swore you saw someone else fly up farther.

Being really curious if you have an asshole but being too embarrassed to ask. STFU, you know you wondered too! The list goes on and on and on, endless possibilities of how you could be completely oblivious. And then one day, you get to some point where you figure it out. Maybe not everything, but enough. And you forget what it was like to be a noob. And they become bottom of the totem pole in your eyes just as you were to someone else. Some say everyone has to earn their stripes, some say be nice to them.

I say, next time you see a noob, answer their silly question or at least point them in the right direction. AND THEN you can eject them from your land so you can get back to fucking like a monkey.

Now the bitches who have been around for like two years and STILL look like noobs...well, thats just another post now isn't it?

Miss Behavin' Day One Pt. 2

So day one of my official "be a good girl" bet is just about done for me. You know, it's actually pretty draining to be a good girl. BUT not impossible. I even said hello to a stranger AND I smiled. You see the progress I've made in less than 24 hours? Yes, I'm proud of me too.

Todays FTN! goes to some weirdo who put far too much thought into...chocolate. Don't get me wrong, I like chocolate like the rest of them. But I don't feel so inclined to bore an entire room to death with the details.

[7:43]  Werido: put his hand into his pock and search for a bag of chocolate for ***. As he dips his hand into the pocket, his finger caresses the soft and smooth pastic package. His heart skips a beat as he feels the bulge inside packet. he strokes the chocolate a little, through the pastic wrapping, before he get hold of the corner and takes the packet out and throw it to ***

He said pastic. That just messed up the whole thing. All that detail to chocolate and the boy cant spell. Dear baby Jesus in a tutu...make the weirdos go away.

Miss Behavin' Day One

And so the test has officially begun. Is it possible for Shasta to be a good girl? Could the word even be defined if I tried? I'm not sure how good I'm going to be at this but it is definitely worth a shot.


I, Shasta Chambers, do hereby bet that I can be "good" under the defintion given out by Poison Ferrentino. The time period will be 2 weeks, starting Tuesday March 23, 2010 and will last until April 6, 2010. If I win in accordance to following all of the rules, I will receive 3K from Poison Ferrentino. If I lose, I must relinquish whichever 2 rooms Poison desires in our living quarters AND I am not allowed to demean or bad mouth the person that Poison is dating UNLESS she asks me to boost her confidence in a time of fall out with said person. The rules are as follows:

1. No FTN blogs, posts or notecards against Poison Ferrentino.
2. No sexual acts of any kind
3. No sexual discussions
4. No notecards of flirtatious or sexual demeanor to be given to anyone.
5. No hiding for two weeks to avoid temptation.
6. No logging out for two weeks to avoid temptation.
7. No snide remarks or mean comments to noobs.
8. No hitting/smacking/biting/kicking or any other form of physical violence.
9. The participating party must engage in one outing of a date manner WITHOUT any sex or overt flirtation.

Winner takes all, Wish me luck. Im gonna be good bitches, you just wait and see.

Okay, all of them seem pretty hard at the moment...but that last one is scaring the shit out of me. I have to find a date AND be good. I'm assuming there are going to be a whole lot of FTN's or I'm going to go into utter silence for lack of sanity. Only one way to find out...

Bedtime at Poi's House

Once Upon A Time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Poi. She always had a bloody crotch from pounding too much dick. The end.

Once Upon A Time, there was a little boy and a little girl named Hansel and Poietal. Hansel and Poietal were hated by their step-mother so she sent them out to the woods with some bread and told them to never come home. Hansel laid out the bread to find his way back home but Poietals greedy ass ate it all and they both died. The end.

Once Upon A Time, there was a princess named Poi White. She was a crackhead. The End.

Once Upon A Time, there was a princess named Sleeping Poi. She slept all day because she was a lazy fuck. One day her prince came to kiss her and saw how lazy she was so he smacked a hoe and left. The End.

Once Upon A Time, there was a midget named Rumplestiltskin who wanted to take some chicks bobble headed baby. She was like, "Hey, I'll suck your itty bitty pecker if you leave my baby alone." Rumplestiltskin now has the clap. Should have taken bobble head. The End.

Little miss Poi-uffet sat on a tuffet

Snorting her crack and beer

Down came a spider and sat beside her

And she gave him head.

Hey diddle diddle

Poi humps a fiddle

The junkie jumps over the moon

The little pimp laughed to see such a sport

And Poi cleans her twat with a spoon.

Hickory Dickory Dock,
Poi sucks a lot of cock
The clock struck three
So she got on her knees!
And did everyone on the block.

Little Bo-Poi has lost her boys,
And doesn't know where to find them.
Get rid of the burn and they will return,
Wagging their balls behind them.

Poi, Poi, quite contrary, How does your pussy grow? With silver cocks and building blocks, And little balls pushed in real slow.

Class Is In Session

It seems people must be bored with the sorry existence they call their lives. It wasn't bad enough to be complete morons but now such morons feel the need to rub salt in the wounds of other worldly afflictions.

Because I generally pity the uneducated, that would be those who borrow diplomas instead of earning their own, I feel the need to enlighten. ANYONE can register for recognition as a religion. Hell, you can officially register to be your own country within this country. It doesn't take much. For a mere seventy five dollars, you too can obtain the materials that will help you become a proud representative of "The Darkside." Are you laughing yet, because I already find this hysterical.

Before you attempt to justify the pathetic way in which your ego induced little power trips somehow mean something, you may wish to get off your ass and read a book. You have turned something which may be real for many into a sorry ass joke for many more. "Hey, it's a recognized religion." And?

Religion according to Merriam Websters Dictionary:

Main Entry: re·li·gion

Pronunciation: \ri-ˈli-jən\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English religioun, from Anglo-French religiun, Latin religion-, religio supernatural constraint, sanction, religious practice, perhaps from religare to restrain, tie back — more at rely

Date: 13th century

Restrain...I could restrain sheep, couldn't I?

1 a : the state of a religious b (1) : the service and worship of God or the supernatural (2) : commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance
2 : a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices
3 archaic : scrupulous conformity : conscientiousness
4 : a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith

According to the "secret" society that seems to have a very public website...not very secret at all if you ask me, this recognized religion is "not based on faith but fact." I don't think they own a dictionary. Or understand the English language. See above.

That lovely Bible that you can purchase for that seventy five bucks I was talking about says something about recognizing the difference between the worlds of truth and fantasy. Let me repeat that for the slow ones. Truth and fantasy.

Main Entry: ¹fan·ta·sy

Variant(s): also phan·ta·sy \ˈfan-tə-sē, -zē\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural fan·ta·sies

Etymology: Middle English fantasie — more at fancy

Date: 14th century

1 obsolete : hallucination
2 : fancy; especially : the free play of creative imagination
3 : a creation of the imaginative faculty whether expressed or merely conceived: as a : a fanciful design or invention b :a chimerical or fantastic notion c : fantasia 1 d : imaginative fiction featuring especially strange settings and grotesque characters —called also fantasy fiction
4 : caprice
5 : the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need ; also : a mental image or a series of mental images (as a daydream) so created fantasies of adolescence>

Wow...that sounds like...Oh I don't know...SL! Because if everyone was living "the truth" of their worlds, I doubt everyone would be gorgeous, in the best of health, and without flaw. So yes my dears, your little world of walls and tags and pretentiousness (1 : characterized by pretension: as a : making usually unjustified or excessive claims (as of value or standing) <the pretentious fraud who assumes a love of culture that is alien to him — Richard Watts> b : expressive of affected, unwarranted, or exaggerated importance, worth, or stature) you display is a sham.

Why all the education, Shasta? Why do I care what these words mean? Because if you are reading this, I would hope you are not a fucking sheep. In religion, you bask in "scrupulous conformity." But what if I don't wish to conform, Shasta? What if I like being my own person with my own thoughts and feelings? Well, tough titty apparently.

Your religion has six beautiful little declarations. (But only if you make that active membership payment...don't forget.)

You will develop willpower and mental strength. I think thats called being an adult. And maybe goes along with that whole read a fucking book thing.

You will get your way with people. I like this one. Apparently, it's at all costs. Change a few words here or there, make a few bans, throw around some false accusations, claim superiority, etc etc. Why does this sound sickeningly familiar?

You will master self defense secrets. Now thats just special.

Improve and protect your health. I like to call this "I'm too lazy to get my fat ass up and take care of myself." Stop eating crap, stop making excuses and go run a mile...on the highway.

You will achieve authentic financial freedom. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And lastly, you will live beyond the usual lifespan. DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT!

You want to follow a "religion," be my guest. You want to justify what you do behind the word "religion." Even better. What you DON'T do is attack good natured people about struggles you know nothing about. I wish death upon no one, but it will touch us all sooner or later. And when it does, when it captures the love of your life, the one who holds your heart, the one who makes you smile, the one who gives you reason to wake up every day...you will know anguish. You will know pain. You will know a sickness that will never dissipate. And in knowing this agony, I advise you only one thing. Look to that joke you call a religion. Look to those herders that move you like sheep. Look to your falsehoods and attempt to grasp something that was never there.

So play the game. Play it well. Live it up. Because some day, you will hit rock bottom. You will know a treacherous, overpowering, debilitating surge of pain. And when you do, may your ego...which you call God, save you. Be careful of the daggers you throw. Because there is always someone faster and smarter than you, waiting at your back. I wont stab it just yet. I'll wait for you to turn around. Because I want to see your eyes when I destroy your world. GIVE.ME.A.REASON.

To being a sheep. To being proud of treating others as sheep. To living a pretentious life. To assuming you are untouchable. To throwing stones from the porch of your glass house. To the followers who are too chicken shit to take off the wool. To the fake who would rather dance amongst wolves then do what is right...FUCK.THAT.NOISE.

Let the truth begin.