Believe it or not, at one time, I tried to understand the Church and its teachings. But I couldn't grasp it. I couldn't turn off my natural instinct to ask why and the pastor didn't like this. Lack of faith or something like that. I'd stopped listening by this time. But something that had penetrated me was what they said would happen.
In Heaven, none of your earthly bonds will matter. Family, friends, the love of your life...it will be nonexistent, pale in comparison to the love and devotion, the undying loyalty you will have to God.WHAT? No one will matter? Not one single person?
Why would they? You will be in the presence of God. No one compares to him. All of your love, your every waking minute will be in awe of him. You will find great joy in praising him. That will be the perfect paradise.And I'm going to be happy like that?
Everyone will. He is love. He is happiness.THATS FUCKED! I looked at my fiancé, the guy I was going to sign my life over to until the end of days...why are we doing this? He looked at me like I'd smacked him, like I was having cold feet. No, no, don't worry. I still want to. I really don't have a problem signing over my life to someone, it's never meant much anyways. HAH, did I actually say that out loud?
But what's the point? When we die, we won't even matter to each other. I'm going to be your homie in heaven. I'm not going to be your wife, your love, your anything. I'm gonna be another face you smile at like some zombie before we all run like fanatics to worship Senor Ego.
He rolled over after patting my knee and said, "I'm always going to love you," before falling back into an oblivious sleep. I don't think he ever woke up. I didn't sleep that night, shaking in a cold sweat, crying and trying to figure out what the hell everything was suppose to mean.
That's a true story.
And I'm still in that night chill, trying to figure out what the hell happens. What's the point? You sign a life that isn't ever really your own over to someone else, all for not. We live by a slew of rules, some self inflicted and some lent to us by the world surrounding. And to add a sweet icing to the cake, it's not going to matter for shit because we're all going to spend eternity worshiping some thing that kills unborn babies and steals innocence and reminds you that you just aren't ever going to be good enough.
You're always going to be less, you're never going to shed the sins placed upon you, even if you didn't commit them BUT don't worry kid. One day, you'll get to be hypnotized by my presence! Aren't you excited?This from the same god who believes you forsake your own child if they aren't to a books standard. A BOOK. The number one best seller of all time. The greatest fable ever told. If you're beating your bible as you read this, go ahead and pray for me. If it makes you feel better. Whatever helps you to sleep at night.
Oh, and FUCK THAT NOISE! Amen.
