It has come to my attention that one of your minions has used my business as a way to get another star on their "good deeds" card. Now I know I've cursed you out a number of times and I've told people you are a made up dude BUT if this letter actually reaches you, I would like you to take a moment to consider my proposition. Here it goes:
I will be on my best, and I mean best behavior if you do the following for me:
- Turn nasty bitches, who use other peoples turmoil as their dinner conversation, into lepers.
- Give a permanent yeast infection to fake people who use someone else's crisis to get back in the door.
- Drown all of the head honchos at BPS in massive quantities of oil. Feel free to set up a pay-per-view program so I can watch. I will totally pay.
- Pussy punch prissy uptight women who question me as if I must be lost when I walk into a store, as if I do not belong there...I'm still trying to figure out exactly which hateful reason they were so uncomfortable by my presence.
- Send a memo covered in Anthrax to your little disciples who claim "this is gift from God." I very much doubt you made someone die so that bitch could pay off her fucking water tank. Yeah, gift from God, my ass.
- Eliminate "Yeah, I'll think about it," from the English language. If you do not, I cannot guarantee that I'm not going to seriously hurt someone.
If you do these things for me...I will seriously behave myself for like...a week. Now I know that doesn't sound like much of a fair trade but trust me, it is. I can promise you that I will say only nice things to people. And I'll be super fucking smiley. And I'll even try to limit my vulgarity to like...a 7 on the cursing scale. If you do not wish to oblige with my demands...well...fuck you. Okay...I said I would I try.
I feel that my requests are reasonable. And if for some reason you want to be a tight ass about the whole leper thing, you are more than welcome to give them permanent diarrhea. Like 24/7. I would totally settle for that. But thats my only exception.
People say you walk on water and you can turn water into wine (if you were really cool it would have been rum, but I'm not nitpicking here) so I would like to see you do something bigger. Those are pretty fucking basic tricks. I mean, they do that shit in grade school these days. If you can make people have liquid ass, yeah, I might just consider thinking you are semi real. Think about it.
Yours Truly,
Ms. Shassy
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