BITCHNo, it's not my pet name. Well...maybe but only if you buy me dinner first. It's the name of one of my favorite magazines. No one is shocked to see that I would pick up this magazine out of pure intrigue. The title speaks to me. But I've continued reading for what lays between the covers. Although I don't always agree with the "feminist response to pop culture," I quite enjoy a different perspective and tend to feel like my voice is slathered amongst the pages. THAT being said...WTF! I came across an article about Florence and The Machine; a group which I happen to like at the moment. Now, it's not the fact that the writer didn't seem to enjoy old Florence and her crazy ways. It's the fact that they reviewed a particular song; "Kiss With A Fist," and totally dragged it through the mud. "...what comes across is a song that quite literally spells out that not only should abusive relationships be tolerated, they should be welcomed as an alternative to loneliness."
"A kick in the teeth is good for some/ A kiss with a fist is better than none."Ladies, my lovely bitches...seriously? It's a fucking song. Did you run out of shit to write about? When you start dissecting musical expression, you're traveling into a territory best left alone. Lets analyze every song out there and get pissy because they don't all depict women in lovely lights. Strong, independent, abuse-free woman is only one perspective. Music is an exploration of all perspectives. Feel free to not like it. But on this one, shush. FTN!
TUNES I HEART HEART HEART AT THE MOMENTSpeaking of Florence, fuck you Bitch, I'm all about "Dog Days Are Over," Tom Waits "Chocolate Jesus," and Alicia Keys "Un-thinkable (I'm Ready)." I have no clue what Dog Days is about to be honest but it still makes me want to jump around. Chocolate Jesus...yeah, fuck church. Thou shalt pray and covet the fucking chocolate! Now thats a god I can believe in. And Alicia Keys did it again, with a love song to put the rest to bed. If you no likey...I FTN! yo face!
TECH TIMEI'm a purist to the T when it comes to books. Nothing beats a hard covered novel. That smell of a new book. The creases and wrinkles of used pages. Dog-eared paper where someone left off. Notes in the margins. NOTHING beats thats. And yet, we've got to shove the tech age right in there and get all obsessed with the Kindles and Nooks of the world. I hope you fucking posers drop your reading devices in the toilet...before you flush. Is nothing sacred? I'm all about technology, hell...it's my era. BUT, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. FTN! to your gadgets. Give me a paperback any day.
OLD PEOPLEBetty White...you golden mamita! You have just given redemption to all of the old fucks who drive like turtles, cut me off in line, walk too god damn slow down the street, and smell like death. I love your old ass, and I hope I'm like you when I'm 100. (She's 100, right?) Okay, well not exactly because if I turn out to be an old white woman...something is seriously fucked.
SUMMER MOVIES SUCKStop remaking shit, stop making sequels, stop making movies where the dude is a spy and the wife cleverly helps him out. And by the way: Robin Hood was something Costner actually did right! Leave it alone, god damn you.
Sex and The City with no city...why the fuck are they in the desert? Where are the city streets I love and know so well? Must they always fuck up a good thing?
Babies. Babies. "If you liked 'March of The Penguins..." NO NO NO NO NO! I have a child. I do not wish to go to a theater and sit on my ass for 2 hours to watch four rug-rats sit in front of a camera WITH NO DIALOG. Babies are cute. Babies are fun. Do I need to pay a theater far too much money for a ticket/drinks/munchies and listen to some stupid bitch next to me talk on her cell halfway through to watch a fucking baby sit in a tub of water with a Lemar behind him. (I am not even sure it's a Lemar but you know what, fuck you. Go waste your god damn money and correct me, you judgmental pussball.) Alan Chabait...I hate you. FTN! (And if you think this makes me a bad mother...you don't have children so go to hell and I hope your reproductive organs rot.)
SEXY BISHMichael Vartan. I would totally sit on your face AND swivel my hips. That is all. Sorry felllas, nothin fo jewwwww!
Fathers Day/Mothers DayI want to be a dad. Fuck Mothers Day. I push a baby out of my fucking twat and I'm lucky if I get a card and some bacon and eggs (thanks McDonalds.) Fathers Day? These dickwads who give a few drops of sperm, that apparently slid from the mouth...plop...onto the crotch get electronics, sports shit, gadgets of all sorts. FTN! FTN! FTN! Push a baby out of your pee hole and I will think you deserve more then a pat on the back. And thats being generous.
HOUSEWIVESTo end on a good note...my housewives of NYC. Fuck all the other places, can't stand you. (Jersey? Because I can still hear everything in a high pitch and I can taste the hairspray.) Team Alex for like...ever. Though I do need to feed her a cheeseburger.
So that's it. Blah blah blah, kbye.
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