Craving The Crazy

If you aren't following The Real Housewives of NYC, we're so not fucking friends. Seriously. All of the horrible events of this week are immediately put on the back burner when these fabulous women get on my television screen. It's a date worth keeping!

Highlights and the lowlives of tonights show:

• Jill shows up on the last day at St. John and acts like the fucking welcoming committee should have been on call for her. Yet again, the narcissistic colors shine bright and she has a little emo moment in her car while Bobby, doesn't he look like Celine Dions husband by the way, tries to act neutral. Cuckoo for coco puffs people!
• Kelly trying to explain what happened in St. John to Luann and Jill and some other hag, who she is, I don't know nor do I care. Kelly says Bethanny admitted to slandering her in the media. Um...what? You psycho! Keep sending points to team Bethanny by showing your insanity. 
• Luann doesn't like the word Hoebag. Well, hoebags who can't sing usually don't like that word. I wonder if she would be more open to cunt scab or cum dumpster? I'll ask.
• Poor Alex was going to cry! Bendita! I wanted to hold her and feed her. But she did earn points by gifting Ramona and Bethanny with cuffs and bed ties. I now have a beautiful respect for her and Simon that I never had before. He sooooo bites the pillow! <3
• Sonia. You've grown on me. That is all. 
• Jill.In.A.Skating.Costume. IN BRYANT PARK! O.M.G!
• And lastly, Ramona...I love her but...crazy eyes or funky ponytail? ew ew ew! Why are rich people so weird?   

Season Finale next week! ITS A FUCKING DATE!

Speak

Two little boys are put into a playpen. One has his mouth wired shut and his hands tied behind his back. The other is pushed to abuse the defenseless child. The only way you are going to get out is if you earn your way out. This entails pummeling the helpless child until you show some signs of maturity. Now get to work. 

The child who is tied up and bound is called bait. Sounds kind of fucked up doesn't it? But it gets better. 

The bait is discarded, probably tossed into a basement somewhere to be used as bait until he is unrecognizable. Then he'll probably join the others before him with a spot in the backyard, in a shallow grave. 

The other child will continue to be put in playpens with other defenseless children until he is so riled up, he'll be hungry for the fight. And thats when the event begins. Neighborhood parents will bring their children over to put their kids into playpen after playpen, while money is thrown down over who will win. 

Its all for sport. No one really gets hurt. These kids want to fight. Its their human instinct. Only the strong survive, right? Natural selection. 

This sounds twisted, distorted, like a bit of insanity. But it happens every day. Innocent animals are put against one another in the name of sport. The weak are used as toys to amp up the blood lust. And yet, its happening more and more and no one seems to be appalled. As if a newborn pit bull weren't as sweet and pure as a newborn child. Whats the difference?

A woman is driving through a school zone and a child jumps out in front of her car. She doesn't slam on the breaks because every one knows that only makes the situation worse...for her. She hits the child dead on and stops about a hundred feet away from the sight. She calls the police. They drag the child to the shoulder of the road and leave it there to rot. The woman is screaming about the damage to her car, while the patrolmen wonder out loud what the hell that kid was doing in this area at a time like this. The nerve. 

Far fetched? Not likely. Every time a deer, a rabbit, a possum, a fox is hit while crossing the highway...aren't we in their neighborhood? You hit a deer on the highway and the body is dragged to the shoulder. Everyone is concerned for the damage done to that superficial display of your status and not one thought  is put to that animal and its loss. 

A man has a moment of anger because another child runs past his own. No contact is actually made and no harm is actually done. But there could have been. So he chases the child down and grabs him by the back of his neck, violently. The kid fights back. The guy loses it and spikes the child to the floor like a football in the end zone. 

Does that remotely make sense? 

A man has a moment of anger because a cat runs past his child. No contact is actually made and no harm is actually done. But there could have been. He chases the cat down and grabs it by the back of its neck. It fights back and claws at him. The guy loses it and spikes the cat to the floor like a football in the end zone. 

Still doesn't make sense, does it?

The regard for animals is something that seems to be irrelevant to people. Having a bad day? Take it out on your dog? Bitchy moment? Feel free to abuse your cat. And I find myself caught somewhere between shocked and irate. These creatures are gifts to this world. Silent embodiments of innocence. Kind of like an infant. These animals, big and small, domesticated and free are the voiceless children in our journey through life. They aren't going to magically grow up and gain a voice. Their only advocate is a loving hand, a proud owner, a lifelong supporter. They are helpless to the hands of the cold, those who are so small they could find relief in inflicting pain on those who cannot fight back. 

FTN! to people who use animals as toys, excuses, punching bags and scapegoats. May your afterlife bring you what you have gifted to others tenfold. Animal abuse/cruelty is only a felony in 31 states. And even in those, not enough people are serving the time they should for the pain they have inflicted. 

If you want to know more about ways to stop animal abuse, animal laws in your community and how to make a difference, visit and spread the word. 

www.animalshelter.org

www.ASPCA.org

www.animallaw.com 

Mad love to all living creatures.

Did You Hear Her?

Did you hear her tears as she wept
Did you see her?
Did you feel the pain in her heart
Did you know her?

This is general and this is specific. This is for every man and for no man at all. This is the rage of a gender and the plea of a woman. This is the voice of a tear and the echo of a child's feet. This is from me to you, from us to them. This is for mothers with sons and fathers with daughters. This is for every woman who wants to feel beautiful and for every man who takes a second glance.

Did you hear her tears as she wept
Did you see her?
Did you feel the pain in her heart
Did you know her?

This is for the Queens of the world. In every shade and every shape. For the scarred and the scared. For the bold and the wise. For the revolutionary and the traditionalist. This is for every giver of life, the ripe tender fruit of your womb continuing the circle, the cycle. For the swell of your breasts as you feed our kin and hide in closed quarters in shame. For the stories of your tongue, the stories of your hips, your eyes, your hands. This is for your battles lost and those you've yet to win. But you will. This is for the eccentric thoughts in your mind, your hopes and dreams.

Did you hear her tears as she wept
Did you see her?
Did you feel the pain in her heart
Did you know her?

This is for our sons, our future Kings. Love her and know her and speak her name with honey on your lips. Tell her what this world could be and shield her from what it really is. Give her a piece of you and nurture every exhale she shares. Use your hands to wipe away the tears versus inflicting them. Kiss away the bruises versus gifting them. Call her name, call her name sweetly so she will come to you with eager anticipation. Remind her, every day until the end of days, that she is your equal. Your matching puzzle piece. Your mirrored image of hope.

Do you believe in God sir? Because if you do...God took a rib from Adam to create Eve...so she would walk beside him. He did not take a bone from his heel for her to be beneath him. Ask your God to clarify.

Did you hear her tears as she wept
Did you see her?
Did you feel the pain in her heart
Did you know her?

This is for our daughters, the soldiers of capturing the voice. Where we have failed, you will triumph and persevere. You will flee from cages of insecurity, you will dance freely and know your body and express your individuality with certainty and conviction. You will not be his slut or his whore or his conquest. You will not be his angel captured on a harpoon, dangling off cliffs edge while he gloats of his barbaric instincts. You will soar. You will taste the stars and make love on clouds and touch sands of far off places and sway in the eclipse of time into sunsets of days yet created.

Did you hear her tears as she wept

Did you see her?

Did you feel the pain in her heart

Did you know her?

This is for that man...you know who you are. Not under one name or one face but one type underneath it all. You have tainted rich soil, conquered and pillaged sacred land. You have created a superiority in your name and claimed sanction in corners of the world, yet you are everywhere. You will tower over the animals of this land and profess false prophecies of a God like stature because of your thumb. You soul-less entity. Because my cat has more compassion then you will ever know and my dog has more remorse then you will ever show. 

Did you hear her tears as she wept

Did you see her?

Did you feel the pain in her heart

Did you know her?

You will hide behind money, power and muscle mass. You will press her body down and take what is not yours. You will crush her bosom and pierce her lips with your own as you inject anguish into her every crevice. You will rape her mind far longer then her body. You will ravish her in dreams and eat away at her until she is skin and bones and bones and skin and skin and skin and scarred and ruined and pained and lost and forgotten. You will shadow her eyes and teach her that this is it, this is life, this is death. No man will love her, hold her, cradle her, forgive away every flaw upon her name. You will stomp out her light, snuff the candle and make a film about it. 

Did you hear her tears as she wept

Did you see her?

Did you feel the pain in her heart

Did you know her?

She is my future, my past. She is me and no one I know. He is every man I have ever met and every man I will avoid. He is what I will teach my son not to be. And in some other realm, I see her and she is free. She is without shackles and without daggers. She owns her essence and is euphoric in splendor of possibility. And there will be one, one to defy all others. One to touch her cheek and melt away those stains. He will whisper and elevate. She will know completion. She will taste the salt of tears seasoned with wonder. 

Did you hear her tears as she wept

Did you see her?

Did you feel the pain in her heart

Did you know her?

Be a light to the woman you know. Be that man. The one I know exists in dreams. For her, I will write him into life. I will teach him in every way. The burning embers of women shattered casts a decaying odor over us. But...he will touch one. Just one. And this moment, this one lost moment will not be in vain. My prince will be a King someday. And she will know ecstasy. Whoever she is...she will know and never have to. 

One on One with Joy

Unbeknownst to people, I have a dire sense of urgency to get on The View. You know, the show with all the ladies yapping about shit around a table. I want to do that, get paid millions to yack up my opinion every day. Why the hell not, right? But if I'm going to get there, I've got to practice my interviewing skills. Yay for lab rats...I mean friends. 

[19:24]  Shasta Chambers puts on her reading glasses
[19:24]  Joytou Timeless: kewl *already has bi focals on*
[19:25]  Shasta Chambers: Okay, so this is the first ever FTN! interview, whih is ground breaking, its like...bigger than having a black president
[19:26]  Joytou Timeless: that is BIG
[19:26]  Shasta Chambers: you like how I spell whih...thats not a fucking word, thanks for fucking it up Joy, god damn it! nOW WE HAVE TO START OVER! Can you do over a ground breaking moment?
[19:26]  Shasta Chambers: where is my water Fiji please!
[19:26]  Shasta Chambers breathes and puts her glasses on...take 2 I just did!
[19:26]  Joytou Timeless: CAP LOK TOO
[19:26]  Shasta Chambers: god damn it
[19:26]  Shasta Chambers: take 3 Again...grrrr
[19:27]  Shasta Chambers: What the fuck is your name?
[19:27]  Joytou Timeless: Joy to you and me
[19:27]  Shasta Chambers: Just get started, this shit doesnt happen to Barbara Walters! Fuckin Barbara
[19:27]  Shasta Chambers: And how long have you been in SL Joy?
[19:28]  Joytou Timeless: going on 3 laggy years which prolly equivilent of 10 dog years or 70 real life years
[19:28]  Shasta Chambers: God damn, thats a long time.
[19:28]  Joytou Timeless brushes off cobb webs She said it, I didn't
[19:29]  Shasta Chambers: What keeps you coming back?
[19:29]  Joytou Timeless: people places music and things
[19:30]  Shasta Chambers: That was a very safe answer. I dig it She's in witness protection, shhhh
[19:30]  Shasta Chambers: How do you feel about jism facial creme? I ask the hard questions!
[19:30]  Joytou Timeless: bukkake facials are just not my taste
[19:31]  Shasta Chambers: I hear it clears up wrinkles. I swear someone told me.......
[19:31]  Shasta Chambers: And the fact that you know the name....hmmmm
[19:31]  Joytou Timeless: well here I can just rip off a old wrinkled one and slap on a new one & yeah you gotta try every pose ball at least once
[19:32]  Shasta Chambers: If you could face squat anyone on your friends list, who would it be? Don't worry, this is a safe place.
[19:33]  Joytou Timeless: I would prolly pick the good looking ones first
[19:33]  Shasta Chambers: Thats a really long name
[19:34]  Joytou Timeless: well no need to double bag it any time soon
[19:34]  Shasta Chambers: LOL I bet Barbara Walters would have gotten the name...maybe even Whoopi! God damn it!
[19:34]  Shasta Chambers: Liquid Soap or Bar?
[19:35]  Joytou Timeless: both at the same time
[19:35]  Shasta Chambers: You know they only offer bar soap in prison. Again...I was only told this.
[19:35]  Joytou Timeless: and drop the soap every chance you get
[19:35]  Shasta Chambers: Smart lady, you know this interview is gonna get you some dates
[19:36]  Shasta Chambers: What do you think pusillanimous means?
[19:36]  Joytou Timeless: I prefer nuts over dates
[19:36]  Shasta Chambers: Im so using that in the future btw
[19:37]  Joytou Timeless: a pulsing animal kiss
[19:37]  Shasta Chambers: Which is uglier, the penis or the vagina?
[19:38]  Joytou Timeless: va jjs are def uglier At least they aren't on the face
[19:38]  Shasta Chambers: Do you support any charities like feed a hoe or saves the twat? You can plug it now
[19:38]  Shasta Chambers: Not the twat...the charity
[19:39]  Joytou Timeless: pimp my ride is one I support
[19:40]  Shasta Chambers: DONATE PEOPLE! I'll be holding a telethon next week
[19:40]  Shasta Chambers: Whats your number one ftn for girls here?
[19:41]  Joytou Timeless: getting all EMO over stoopid shit and a close tie is the talking fetus thang
[19:41]  Shasta Chambers: Damn those babies DELETE DELETE DELETE
[19:41]  Shasta Chambers: Whats your number one ftn for guys here?
[19:43]  Joytou Timeless: thinking say hey - and you say hey back means you wanna have sl sex with them FTN
[19:43]  Shasta Chambers: sounds like youve gone through that a time or two Haven't we all?
[19:44]  Joytou Timeless: yeah or them running round wif a free penis on thinking that is a turn on lol
[19:44]  Shasta Chambers: lol so sexy
[19:44]  Shasta Chambers: How do you feel about those m&m commercials? I think green is a slut personally.
[19:45]  Joytou Timeless: I think blue wants to do the dew
[19:45]  Shasta Chambers: lol
[19:45]  Shasta Chambers: youre gonna be my slogan girl after this
[19:45]  Shasta Chambers: Has anyone ever mmmmed you while fucking?
[19:46]  Joytou Timeless: not here no - they have mmmmmmmmmed me trying to tho
[19:46]  Shasta Chambers falls over and breaks her glasses
[19:46]  Shasta Chambers: Do you think sloshing should be a sport? Go Team USA!
[19:48]  Joytou Timeless: yeah along wif drippage
[19:48]  Shasta Chambers: Olympics here we cum
[19:48]  Shasta Chambers: What word you hate the most?
[19:49]  Joytou Timeless: cunt leakage ...Patent pending...
[19:49]  Shasta Chambers: oooo
[19:49]  Shasta Chambers: You know I'm gonna say that you all the time now, right?
[19:49]  Joytou Timeless: lmao ok go ahead
[19:49]  Shasta Chambers: Hairy ass or bushy dick, hurry, pick one! Like I said, the hard questions. 
[19:50]  Joytou Timeless: bushy dick
[19:50]  Shasta Chambers: I just snorted
[19:50]  Shasta Chambers: like a brillo pad to your face when ya give head
[19:51]  Shasta Chambers: Okay, last question...if a train is leaving from san antonio and another is leaving from pittsburgh, how many finger sammiches can ya fit in the cooter? You dont have to answer that but inquiring minds want to know. I like finga sammiches
[19:51]  Joytou Timeless: hmmmmm thats so funny I jus queefed priceless!
[19:52]  Shasta Chambers: I think an angel somewhere just got its wings
[19:52]  Shasta Chambers: we'll say 4
[19:52]  Shasta Chambers: anything else you want the people to know?
[19:53]  Shasta Chambers: besides your inability to control the fart de puss That's Spanish for the assholes that took French in high school!
[19:53]  Joytou Timeless: yeah  its your fault lol
[19:53]  Shasta Chambers: Thats awesome.
[19:53]  Shasta Chambers: Thank you for participating and not jumping on my couch screaming how you love katie holmes
[19:54]  Joytou Timeless: just the cherry chap stick i.e lipgloss...she's talking about jism. Naughty!
[19:54]  Shasta Chambers: woot!
[19:54]  Shasta Chambers: gonna type this up, ill hit you up when its done
[19:54]  Shasta Chambers takes her glasses off
[19:55]  Joytou Timeless: kk np
[19:55]  Joytou Timeless: lol
[19:55]  Shasta Chambers: Bet Barbara Walters never talked about pussy farts

Dear Diary,
I think I'm one step closer to my dream of The View table. I owe Joy so much. Should definitely send her a gift basket. Maybe with some corks for that vaggy gas. 

Cheers and Jeers

No time for introductions, lots to cover. Let's get right to it, shall we?

BITCH

No, it's not my pet name. Well...maybe but only if you buy me dinner first. It's the name of one of my favorite magazines. No one is shocked to see that I would pick up this magazine out of pure intrigue. The title speaks to me. But I've continued reading for what lays between the covers. Although I don't always agree with the "feminist response to pop culture," I quite enjoy a different perspective and tend to feel like my voice is slathered amongst the pages. THAT being said...WTF! I came across an article about Florence and The Machine; a group which I happen to like at the moment. Now, it's not the fact that the writer didn't seem to enjoy old Florence and her crazy ways. It's the fact that they reviewed a particular song; "Kiss With A Fist," and totally dragged it through the mud. "...what comes across is a song that quite literally spells out that not only should abusive relationships be tolerated, they should be welcomed as an alternative to loneliness."

"A kick in the teeth is good for some/ A kiss with a fist is better than none."

Ladies, my lovely bitches...seriously? It's a fucking song. Did you run out of shit to write about? When you start dissecting musical expression, you're traveling into a territory best left alone. Lets analyze every song out there and get pissy because they don't all depict women in lovely lights. Strong, independent, abuse-free woman is only one perspective. Music is an exploration of all perspectives. Feel free to not like it. But on this one, shush. FTN!

TUNES I HEART HEART HEART AT THE MOMENT

Speaking of Florence, fuck you Bitch, I'm all about "Dog Days Are Over," Tom Waits "Chocolate Jesus," and Alicia Keys "Un-thinkable (I'm Ready)." I have no clue what Dog Days is about to be honest but it still makes me want to jump around. Chocolate Jesus...yeah, fuck church. Thou shalt pray and covet the fucking chocolate! Now thats a god I can believe in. And Alicia Keys did it again, with a love song to put the rest to bed. If you no likey...I FTN! yo face!

TECH TIME

I'm a purist to the T when it comes to books. Nothing beats a hard covered novel. That smell of a new book. The creases and wrinkles of used pages. Dog-eared paper where someone left off. Notes in the margins. NOTHING beats thats. And yet, we've got to shove the tech age right in there and get all obsessed with the Kindles and Nooks of the world. I hope you fucking posers drop your reading devices in the toilet...before you flush. Is nothing sacred? I'm all about technology, hell...it's my era. BUT, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. FTN! to your gadgets. Give me a paperback any day.

OLD PEOPLE

Betty White...you golden mamita! You have just given redemption to all of the old fucks who drive like turtles, cut me off in line, walk too god damn slow down the street, and smell like death. I love your old ass, and I hope I'm like you when I'm 100. (She's 100, right?) Okay, well not exactly because if I turn out to be an old white woman...something is seriously fucked.

SUMMER MOVIES SUCK

Stop remaking shit, stop making sequels, stop making movies where the dude is a spy and the wife cleverly helps him out. And by the way: Robin Hood was something Costner actually did right! Leave it alone, god damn you.
Sex and The City with no city...why the fuck are they in the desert? Where are the city streets I love and know so well? Must they always fuck up a good thing?
Babies. Babies. "If you liked 'March of The Penguins..." NO NO NO NO NO! I have a child. I do not wish to go to a theater and sit on my ass for 2 hours to watch four rug-rats sit in front of a camera WITH NO DIALOG. Babies are cute. Babies are fun. Do I need to pay a theater far too much money for a ticket/drinks/munchies and listen to some stupid bitch next to me talk on her cell halfway through to watch a fucking baby sit in a tub of water with a Lemar behind him. (I am not even sure it's a Lemar but you know what, fuck you. Go waste your god damn money and correct me, you judgmental pussball.) Alan Chabait...I hate you. FTN! (And if you think this makes me a bad mother...you don't have children so go to hell and I hope your reproductive organs rot.)

SEXY BISH

Michael Vartan. I would totally sit on your face AND swivel my hips. That is all.  Sorry felllas, nothin fo jewwwww!

Fathers Day/Mothers Day

I want to be a dad. Fuck Mothers Day. I push a baby out of my fucking twat and I'm lucky if I get a card and some bacon and eggs (thanks McDonalds.) Fathers Day? These dickwads who give a few drops of sperm, that apparently slid from the mouth...plop...onto the crotch get electronics, sports shit, gadgets of all sorts. FTN! FTN! FTN! Push a baby out of your pee hole and I will think you deserve more then a pat on the back. And thats being generous.

HOUSEWIVES

To end on a good note...my housewives of NYC. Fuck all the other places, can't stand you. (Jersey? Because I can still hear everything in a high pitch and I can taste the hairspray.) Team Alex for like...ever. Though I do need to feed her a cheeseburger.

So that's it. Blah blah blah, kbye.

Self-Bound

The boundaries we live by are the ones we have created for ourselves...

The past couple of days have put a lot of things into perspective for me. Feel free to not ask whats brought on such thought as I will feel free to not share. Nonetheless, recent events have sent me on a spiral effect of thought. Sitting up at 2am, comforted only by the sounds of beeping machines, I found myself saying a big FTN to life, to people.

There are times when I have faith in the human species, when I believe the human condition is something far beyond an epidemic. And then there are times when I become disgusted, almost baffled by how people can find themselves in another persons pain, as if the world is somehow simulated to effect them, by any means necessary. As if we are all pawns to make these select few have good days and bad days. Frankly, I'd like to believe I'm not a pawn in another persons existence.

I would like to be proven wrong on my current belief that everyone is out for themselves. How do we end up in a place where we are calming another for something so trivial when we ourselves shed tears for our own agonies? And yet, how do we cry tears for ourselves when in the grand scheme of things, the battles we are facing are minuscule in comparison to another.

Up at 3am, my mind wanders from the people of the world and their sick need to lay absorbed within themselves...moving along...to the thought of how I could complain, sit back and lay behind boundaries that no one is responsible for but me. No one has laid the foundation for the gates of self oppression but myself. I have brought myself to this place. Rather then driving through this neck of the woods, I have parked, became a permanent resident of this place called "stuck."

And I start to go down the list of all of the things I want to do, all the silly little things I have dreamed of doing, of all of the things I have convinced myself were not important enough to follow through with. And the list grows. And I ask myself why I'm staring at this list and not crossing anything off?

Have I grown comfortable with the boundaries I have created? Is it easier to say something can be done tomorrow then to risk it and act now? And how many tomorrows will I waste away?

FTN! to self inflictions, to standing still, to be captivated by fear, to never crossing anything off of the list, to just being another minion caught up in the human affliction.

Whatever

• To hospital stays
• To people somehow making everything about themselves, even when you are a couple of hours out of surgery.
• To hospital food
• To not having a cigarette in 3 days
• To nurses who want to watch you urinate
• To people who save their bullshit drama for a moment when you are bed ridden 
• The smell of hospitals
• Maxing out on morphine while in agony at 2am in the morning.
• Getting two shots of pain killers because you have maxed out on the morphine while in agony at 2am in the morning. 
• Being completely doped up but still feeling agony in your chest after getting two shots of pain killers because you have maxed out on the morphine while in agony at 2am in the morning.
• Losing a day of your life but being told everything after the fact because of that fucking morphine...
• Not having any visitors
• Having visitors and realizing you absolutely hate EVERYONE who has come to visit you...(well except for one)
• Did I mention hospital food yet? Because that shit is not fly! At all!

The fact that I have to write this blog and attempt to keep my composure when in all actuality, I want to break the fuck down and break some shit because I'm so angry that I'm in this place, in this situation and living this moment. FTN! To a questionable life. A sad life. A life drowning in turmoil. Can I log out yet? 

FTN! to emo moments like this one...but its candid and real and honest...so whatever. Cant all be fucking comedy for you.